Confused thoughts...........

C O N F U S E D ThOuGhTs

This is something that is hurting me ever since I saw.

It was one of those long long long runs between two cities on a continuous spree that kept me away from touch with my friends. I was invariably travelling between Madurai and Chennai on a regular basis from around August 2 till September 25. It was mainly due to delay after delay after delays in my work. Used to performing work fairly at ease this order could be termed as my most delayed work and also the most pathetic. I had no complaints when dad took me for a ride in Madurai. This work is the most sloppiest piece of my work ever and I believe I should change my style of functioning or I need a break......it is more than three years now without a holiday. Break can wait......

I came back to Chennai and slowly got in touch with three of my friends with whom I go out on sundays to ECR. I don't remember the last time I went to ECR. With one guy married and the other guy committed these trips to ECR are becoming far and few now. Though I do love driving around alone its not easy to get car from dad and I believe its time I get one on my own but er......should I not have some regular business on my own before I think of my own car? I don't wanna call my dad's businesses my own. So no car too for now. It was 30th September 2007 when this happened. The day before the great Tamilnadu bandh. Er........no fast er.........

Sunday morning was very boring. Dad was away somewhere in Gujarat to meet his mentor and I was whiling the day away and was really bored when I decided to call Nirmal and check if he is free. For your info I, Nirmal, Siva and Vittal(don't knwo his official name - a Nirmal's rich relative) were the gang members who would goto ECR. Usually this trip is our sojourn for the guys to have their share of beer and my share of driving. Now that Siva is married we are one member short and after Vittal went to Singapore for his project we are two members short and Nirmal's trip to Chennai become few too. So ECR is off my list for long. Luckily for me on September 30 I could get Nirmal and he cajoled me to accept a trip to ECR (Hehehehe I was tired after a long listless job in Madurai so I wanna sleep and it worked) and added to the list was Nirmal's new Verna. One more car to the lsit of what I want to own. I don't like Verna and am not a great fan of Hyundai but it looks better in the list.

Nirmal picked me up near my home and we travelled through Velachery byepass which is my second most favourite road after Besant Nagar beach in Chennai. I was cruising through and Verna was responding well when I stopped for the signal near Gurunanak college.

There was a corpse being taken towards the burial ground for the final rites. Usually, these corpses interest me like any other individual and I used to eb very happy when I usually see an old human pass away. Death is usually a heart rendering moment in any person's life, but dying old usually is not bad according to me. Then I saw the guy in front. Guy er..........a very young boy aorund 8 to 10 years of age walking at a brisk pace. He was literally running at a moderate pace and I tehn saw the face of the dead body. A rather early middle aged man around 35 years of age.

I was rather apalled to see the scene. The guy was no more than 10 years old and it is harsh on him to be in such a situation. I don't believe it was some sort of relief that made him go fast may be the urge to do the final rites before the ground is closed or the urge to get the moment over as soon as possible. But one question that I am hounded is why this small boy? What wrong did this boy do to have such a situation so early in his life? What is to happen to his family, mom, siblings if any and others?

I don't know personally how it is to lose the bread earner of the family at such a tender age. There are two instances when I came close to. Once when dad had an heart attack around 15 years before (he was 38 or 39 then) and in 1993 during the Bombay Bomb Blast. My dad had vacated the Centaur hotel room adn moved towards airport just around 10 minutes before there was a blast. So near....

I am now 27. There is one demise that has me shattered even today. The death of my uncle by name M Krishnananda. The person whom I love most outside my family i.e my parents and brother. He started as my dad's driver around in the year 1990. He was with us till the day he passed away on February 24 2007. A man who put my family before his family, a man whose birthday fell the day before my mom's (which I never knew until he passed away sadly) and the man who spent most problaby more time with us than with his wife or his only child. He was my companion to and from school from Nanganallur to Adyar. He was that relative who would somehow let me go in if I go late to school. He was that brother with whom I have discussed everything including my high school crushes. He was that soundboard with whom I discussed everythign about business which I didn't do with even my mom. He was for long everything to me. A man who had somehow moulded me from a small boy to a man. His part in my life is something which I can't and I won't ever be able to pen.

He had a late marriage and his child is just 12 now.

I don't know why God does terrible things. Krishna uncle was nowhere near dying age but now he is no more. I know well he had heart problems but he never told us about the seriousness of it and so we never knew that he required an open heart surgeory or the same was advised by our family doctor. How naive of me that umpteen number of times after he met our doc and I didn't bother to ask him or aunty about Krisha uncle's health.

I miss alot of things with Krishna uncle. Most of it is the lunch we have. Me, mom and him during the afternoons as the office nowadays functions next door to my home. I miss going around with him. We both shared a passion to go logn distances on road and he was my mentor when it comes to cars. We both shared a passion for cars especially four wheel drives and umpteen hours were spent discussing with him about cars cars cars. It would be even great when my dad was around and invariably our minds would start hovering around cars.

Even today I meet his family atleast once or twice in a month. Each time I go there irrespective of what I speak with his son or his wife there is only one feeling that comes back to me. Its true they don't question me, it is true they don't blame me but I don't know why but I can never face their eyes. Did I wrong a man and his family????

Coming back to what I saw, I was horrified by what I saw. A young boy walking hard to light the funeral pyre of his dad. A boy who would be very mature by the time its all over beyond his age. I don't know why certain events in life are cruel to certain people. I don't know why it can never be all nice thigns for these young chaps atleast when they grow up to become men. For a guy his dad is more essential when he forms himself as a man. If not for my dad being there with me questioning and discussing with me things that are all the moer taboo in many families (he had talked with me sex and AIDS and all nonsense) I would not be able to have a diversified thinking on everything. I know how invaluable its to have the dad beside you when you are in teens. Good or bad most of dad's actions would help you become a man at that age.

I was heavy at heart and really lost the passion to go to beach and enjoy after this particular incident. I lit a cigarette and pushed the car aimlessly. My mind was lost somewhere and I was really driving crazyly when Nirmal brought me back to my senses and asked what the hell had happened man???? I came back to senses and we both spent a lot of silent time in Silver sands that day. Then some time in some desolate beach part and a silent drive back near home.

At the end of the day I could only thing If at all God exists why is he so cruel?????????

Ah yes forgot to write Verna is good. Worth owning it.